Abiding in Grace: My Best Yes

I stood in front of my son. He had disobeyed me. He had argued. He had fussed. Every ounce of me was frustrated. I was tired. I was busy. I disciplined with a quick action and left stomping mad.

My heart dropped when I dropped into the chair upstairs. Is that going to teach him anything? I asked myself. I let my anger and frustration dissolve away in prayers to God. I asked Him for forgiveness.

Mommy’s sorry. I said to him, explaining the discipline. My rushing to finish my task almost cost me a moment lost with my son. How many other moments have been lost to me just trying to rush? Why did it seem that ever since I started writing, I was feeling so off balance not at peace with my life?

That was me. I lived with a sadness of an underwhelmed soul. I would plop into bed at night dreaming about all that I didn't get done. I resolved to get up earlier, stay up later, or just do better. My days filled up with stress, schedules, and sadness.

My soul, these past few months have been spent focusing on my schedule and routine. Since my husband lost his job back in February, we've been searching for a routine. The upheaval from that weighs me down. I began writing as well. What started out as a simple blog, has become so much more than that. My dream is bigger now.

Was writing a Best Yes for me, right now? Doubts flood through my mind. Guilt evades my heart every time I sit down to write a sentence. Was I choosing writing over something more important? Was my mothering suffering because I was choosing to write now as well? What is my Best Yes? To answer this question, I needed wisdom.

I began to evaluate why I was so hesitant to write and why my life felt off balance since beginning to write. God began to show me that I had neglected to put Him first and I had doubted whether He was calling me to write. Confessing my lack of faith in both areas released a weight I had been carrying. He still must come first - above my marriage, above my children, and now above my writing. In the quietness of my heart, He showed me that writing was something He really did want me to do. It was not chosen on a whim. It was not decided with haste. He wanted me to write.

I questioned whether I could be a good mother AND a good writer. Neither will come without work. I've made mistakes in the past. I will continue to make mistakes. There will be times I will rush through life and not live in the moment. But as I grow in wisdom, my heart will know what the Best Yes is for each season.

Motherhood is my first vocation. My family is first. I will not always do it right. But, I will no longer feel guilty for choosing writing. I have all the resources (time, ability, money, passion, and season) to invest in BOTH of these callings. After a conversation with Jason, I was assured that he felt the same. Nothing has seemed to fall away since I have been writing.

I have had to say small “no’s” along the way. No to a Bible Study on a particular night. No to dance lessons for the two-year-old. No to helping with VBS. No to singing in the choir. No to joining too many home school groups. Through these no's, I've found My Best Yes:

Motherhood and Writing