11/10/08

A New Calling

I would have titled this a "true" calling or a "right" calling, but it isn't. For me, it is a "new" calling.

BEING A MOM

Something I have dreamed about since I was a young woman. I've always loved children.
I remember listing "having a baby" as one of those things I wanted to do before I die. I wanted to feel that child move inside of me. Sit in a rocking chair and rock that child to sleep.

Dreams and reality can be quite different!

I didn't realize that yes, while I could feel him move inside me, I also struggled through sleepless nights and heartburn. Yes, I get to sit (everynight at 2AM) and rock him.

But it isn't that that has me thinking about my "calling." For so long I worked towards becoming a teacher. I endured the endless classes and finally got my first job. I worked toward becoming a good teacher. Now what am I?
A MOM
The world would tell me that I'm wasting my life. Sometimes I think that too. But I'm not, I know I'm not. I know that I get to see his "first" everything:
His first smile
His first laugh
His first time rolling over
His first sneeze
His first love
Those are amazing.
I can't imagine giving that up. I can't imagine giving him up to someone else.

But here I am, discontented. Why? I don't know. I used to chalk it up to depression, PPD.
But here I am, six months out and not feeling better. Many tears I have cried.
I think the issue is in the fullfillment. I wasn't feeling fulfilled in being a teacher.
I wasn't feeling fulfilled in being a mom.
Now, what is my fulfillment?

And that quiet voice, beckons me. He is my fulfullment.
My Lord, My God, My Salvation, My Rock, My Shield, My Father, My Love, My Friend, My All

"O God, take me to your side. Take me and keep me there. I want to desire You more. I want to want you. Help me find my fullfillment in YOU!"