One day last year...

Last year on this day, it was Sunday.  I remember not even able to get through the service without wiping my eyes.  I do not remember anything about that service - only that I had woken up to a call from my mother saying my Grandmother had finally ended her journey and battle with cancer. 

One year later, and I grieve her still.  It has been a sad October for sure.  It has been cold, wet, and rainy.  Nothing like a typical Autumn.  It perfectly reflects my mood.  I am surprised how much I have not cried for her today.  I have cried a lot of tears (a LOT) over the past year, so on the anniversary of her death you would think it would be the same. 

The only thing distinguishing today with this day last year is time.  Someone once told me that time would help heal.  I did not believe them.  But the fact that the ache is so much less and that I have fewer tears shed today is proof that time does help heal grief.

I am still grieving.  I will always miss her.  I do not want to forget her.  I am thankful for all the pictures and memories that God has given me.  Time isn't the only thing healing my heart - it is my God.

Thank you, Lord, for healing me of my grief in a small little way.  I love you so much.  Let her know how I much I love her as well.  Tell her I will see her soon. Amen
At my highschool graduation....2002


Thoughts for a Sad October...

The anniversary of my grandmother's death is coming up. That as well as the dreary, cold weather have my heart seemingly at a stand still. It seems to permeate my thoughts and sadden my heart. I'm praying for peace this coming week and an ease of the pain.

What would I do with one more day?                            

Sit in your house. 
Drink ginger ale.
Watch game shows.
Walk through the rooms. 
Gaze at the pictures.
Sit on your bed.
Memorize the details.
    Of your face.
    Your laugh.
    Your hands.
    Your touch.
    Your hair.
    Your clothes.
    Your smell.
    Your smile. 
What would you say to me?
Would you tell about my family?

Would you tell me about my past?
Would you tell me some lessons?
    About love
    About loss
    About family, friends, and faith.
Would you tell me that you loved me?
Would you tell me not to cry?
Would you tell me to hold on fast to those around me?
Would you tell me that it is alright?
Would you tell me about who you were?
     As a girl.

     As a teenager
     As a woman
     As a mother
     As a grandmother

What would I say to you?
I love you.
I miss you.
Will I see you again?
Are you happy with who I have become?
Am I like you? or your mom? or your sister?

I love you. - I have always loved you.
I miss you. - I will always miss you.

Does the aching go away?
Will I miss you more with each passing day?
Will I miss you less as the years fly by?
I love you, always, is what I would say. 

I am so glad that I got to say goodbye to her, but it still does not take the pain of losing her away.

My Grandmother, Delma - around 18 years old

My Grandmother, as I remember her while I was growing up.

Eye on the Prize

Keeping my eyes on the prize is something that I need these days.....  It seems this Christian path is hard and I stumble often.  Thankful for His grace to just keeping on...

Thanks, Sara Groves, for this song:

Paul and Silas bound in jail
Got no money for to go their bail
Keep your eyes on the prize, hold on

Paul and Silas thought they were lost
The dungeon shook and the chains fell off
Keep your eyes on the prize, hold on

Freedom's name is mighty sweet
And one day soon we are gonna meet
Keep your eyes on the prize, hold on

I got my hand on the gospel plow
Won't take nothing for my journey now
Keep your eyes on the prize, hold on
The wait is slow, and we've so far to go
Keep your eyes on the prize, hold on

Courtesy of lyricshall.com

Only chain a man can stand
Is that chain of hand on hand
Keep your eyes on the prize, hold on

Ain't no man on earth control
The weight of glory on a human soul.
Keep your eyes on the prize, hold on.

The wait is slow, and we've so far to go
Keep your eyes on the prize, hold on

When you see a man walk free,
It makes you dream of jubilee.
When you see a child walk free,
It makes you dream of jubilee.
When you see a family free,
It makes you dream of jubilee.

Keep your eyes on the prize, hold on.



Jeremiah 30:12-17For thus says the Lord:
Your hurt is incurable and your wound is grievous.
There is none to uphold your cause, no medicine for your wound,
no healing for you.
All your lovers have forgotten you;
they care nothing for you; for I have dealt you the blow of an enemy,
the punishment of a merciless foe,
because your guilt is great,
because your sins are flagrant.
Why do you cry out over your hurt? Your pain is incurable.
Because your guilt is great
because your sins are flagrant,
I have done these things to you.
Therefore all who devour you shall be devoured,
 and all your foes, every one of theme,
 shall go into captivity; those who plunder you shall be plundered,
and all who prey on you I will make a prey.
For I will restore health to you,
and your wounds I will heal,"
declares the Lord.

Our sin is grieving the Spirit
Our guilt is black as night
Our punishment comes swift
We no longer deserve light

We sin in the bright light of the sun
In the dark we shed the tears of shame
There is no where left to run
We cannot pass the blame

Our holiness is stained with black
Our God causes us to fall and falter
In this pit we cross our arms, sitting back
We curse the God who will call us

He speaks with a whisper of hope
Yes, punishment can be a bitter sting
We are at the end our rope
Yes, our God silently sings

Our hurts are deep from our sin
We cry from pain of the scars
He is gently pulling us in
He forgives, He loves, in His arms

In His arms we find the healing we need
His embrace offers a sweet balm
We rise up out of the pit, with His lead
He leads us with a pslam

I said, “LORD, be merciful to me; Heal my soul, for I have sinned against You.”
Pslam 41:4