4/30/09

Coming clean....no pun intended, ok, maybe a little

I'm coming clean. I haven't been myself lately. I'll blame it on "woman" issues.....oh well.

I've cried over the following:
a commericial.
because it rained.
a really sad movie.
a really happy movie.
because my husband gets home at 6:00 pm.
a song about love.
a song about anything.
for no reason whatsoever.

I feel so lost sometimes. Like I'm a robot just going through the daily duties.
And....
BAM!
God wakes me up!

He cares about the laundry!?!
He cares about the clean floor?!?!
He cares that I am constantly going over and over and over whether I've made the right decision to stay at home.

Yes, He does....just look at the story of Mary and Martha in John 10. He cared that she was working...He acknowledged that Martha had been busy....He didn't condem her because she was working....He knows and cares about the daily duties I have!?

Lord, may I see the housework as an expression of my love for You.
Lord, may I see staying home with my son as an expression of my love for You.
Lord, may I see the daily duties as an expression of my love for You.
Amen

Come

Come see
Come see with spirit eyes
Come see
The door is open

Come near
Come weary and ashamed
Come near
His arms are open
His arms are open

Come live
Come live in freedom here
Come live
The chains are broken

Come rest
Come take his gift of grace
Come rest
The word is spoken
The word is spoken

Come see
Come see with spirit eyes
Come see
The door is open

Come home
Come lay your burdens down
Come home
His arms are open
His arms are open
-MWS


Do I believe this?

Do I live like I believe that I can come?

May I come....daily....to Him.
Even if I've made mistakes....even if I've failed Him a hundred times.

May I come....daily....to Him.
Even if I've cried a million tears....even if I tried on my own for years!

May I come....daily....to Him.
His arms truly are open....always...no matter what.

4/23/09

11 Months Old

A new wound was opened again today.

I don't know, maybe its because I'm dreaming a lot and having heartburn. Maybe its because my son will turn one in a month, but I'm thinking about being pregnant again. Also, I just happen to catch "A Baby Story" on TV a lot lately.

Today I watched a delivery that was very similar to mine. The woman had to be induced, ended up not progressing, and then having a C-Section. I cried with her, when she found out that her deliver wasn't going to go as planned. I can't believe it still hurts for me. Because I've never shared it here, and I should write down everything while I still remember it (and have only one deliver story so far...)

On Wednesday, May 14, I left school at noon because it was my last day, even though my due date wasn't until the 31st. The previous week I had gone to the doctor and found out that my blood pressure was high. They did a 24 hour urine over the weekend. I went to my appointment at 4:00 that afternoon. Jason got off work early so he met me there and was in the room when the nurse practitioner came in and basically said that I had pre-clampsia (high blood pressure and protein in my urine) and I was going to go to the hospital. The doctor came in minutes later, and Jason and I both were stunned. My due date was two and half weeks away, I wasn't dialated, and I wasn't having any contractions!? But, nonetheless, we had to go. They were going to induce me because I was in too much danger, health-wise.

So they gave us an hour to go and pack (we hadn't even packed our bags yet!). We were at the hospital and checked in by about 6:30 that evening. They gave me the stuff to help me start to dialate. We called everyone. They weren't going to break my water or start me on the medicine to induce me until the next morning. So, only my mom came by that night. Jason stayed with me and slept on a little bed next to me. I was totally excited and nervous!

On Thursday, May 15, at about 8:00am they broke my water and started the medicine. The contractions started right away. They were tolerable for about an hour. Then, a little harder and progressively harder. By about 11:30 that morning I had reached my limit. I called for the epidural (even though I had only dilated 3 cm). After that, I was much better. I slept for an hour and had a few more visitors. By about 2:30 the doctor checked me again...I hadn't dialated and his head was facing the wrong direction. She spent a half hour trying to maneuver him into position. She couldn't do it. By 3:00 she was talking about doing a C-section. His heart rate was dropping and my contractions were not regular at all.

The room was suddenly a rush and busy! Jason ran out to tell everyone that I was going to go to surgery. I remember my mom coming in and kissing me. That's when I teared up. I was really nervous by then. The nurses had me sign a bunch of papers. They rushed around my room in an orderly but quick fashion. Soon, I was being wheeled down the hallway into the OR. While they were getting me ready, I was really nervous because Jason had to wait outside for a few minutes. One of the doctors asked me how I was doing and I told him that I was really nervous. He then let Jason come in (since he was a resident and could be trusted not to touch anything) earlier than they normally let dads come into the OR. He held my hand the whole time. I remember the pressure when the doctors took him out. I remember the joy of "its a boy!" when they called it out!

Jason and I both cried. We wept that it was finally over. I wept because I had done it. I had carried him, and here he was: Jack Allen Frazer - Born at exactly 4:oopm, on May 15th, and weighed 6lbs and 7 oz.

The recovery was hard. Like I said, the wound (emotionally) is still there and is opened again occasionally. I struggled with the feelings of failure. I hadn't been able to deliver him properly...I had failed. It has taken 11 months to say that its "ok" that I had a C-section. (and really mean that "its ok.") On top of everything, I couldn't nurse him past 4 months old. My milk dried up for no reason. That added to my list of failures.

But you know, even though I have that wound (and a real scar to remind me!!)....God has been here. He has been faithful. Even in my darkest hours, He never left me. I couldn't always feel Him or see Him, or even believe Him....but He was always there.

So, here is why its "ok" :


4/13/09

Say Won't You Say....That You Love Me

Say won't You say
Say that You love me
with love, ever, love, love everlasting?

All my devotion put into motion by You
Every morning I
have a chance to rise and give my all
but every afternoon I find I have only wasted time

Say won't You say
Say that You love me
with love, ever, love, love everlasting?

In light of Your awe
Isn't love amazing,
I forgot how to speak
knowing You are near and I am finally free

Say won't You say
Say that You love me
with love, ever, love, love everlasting?

My eyes fear to close
this reckless letting go is hard to bear
on the edge of all I need,
still I cling to what I see
and what have I there?

Say won't You say
Say that You love me
with love, ever, love, love everlasting?

Bred my own disaster,
who have I to blame?
When all I need is waiting to be fanned to flame

I opened up my eyes to see You standing there
Oh I can barely breathe, and I can hardly bear
All the love that I feel for You inside
I hope You feel it now, some,somehow

Say won't You say
Say that You love me
with love, ever, love, love everlasting?

Jennifer Knapp

4/10/09

Faith Enough

The ice is thin enough for walkin'
Rope is worn enough to climb
Throat is dry enough for talkin'
World is crumblin' but I know why
World is crumblin' but I know why
Storm is wild enough for sailing
Bridge is weak enough to cross
This body frail enough for fighting
I'm home enough to know I'm lost
Home enough to know I'm lost
It's just enough to be strong
In the broken places, in the broken places
It's just enough to be strong
Should the world rely on faith tonight?
The land unfit enough for planting
Barren enough to conceive
Poor enough to gain the treasure
Enough a cynic to believe
Enough a cynic to believe
It's just enough to be strong
In the broken places, in the broken places
It's just enough to be strong
Should the world rely on faith tonight?
Confused enough to know direction
The sun eclipsed enough to shine
Be still enough to finally tremble
And see enough to know I'm blind
And see enough to know I'm blind
It's just enough to be strong
In the broken places, in the broken places
It's just enough to be strong
Should the world rely on faith tonight?
It's just enough to be strong
In the broken places, in the broken places
It's just enough to be strong
Should the world rely on faith tonight?

-JOC

Spring Worship unto Thee

"Hymn"
Oh refuge of my hardened heart
Oh fast pursuing lover come
As angels dance 'round Your throne
My life by captured fare You own

Not silhouette of trodden faith
Nor death shall not my steps be guide
I'll pirouette upon mine grave
For in Your path I'll run and hide

Oh gaze of love so melt my pride
That I may in Your house but kneel
And in my brokenness to cry
Spring worship unto Thee

When beauty breaks the spell of pain
The bludgeoned heart shall burst in vain
But not when love be pointed king
And truth shall Thee forever reign

Sweet Jesus carry me away
From cold of night, and dust of day
In ragged hour or salt worn eye
Be my desire, my well sprung lye

Spring worship unto Thee
Spring worship unto Thee
-Jars of Clay

4/7/09

This Road - Jars of Clay

All heavy laden acquainted with sorrow
May Christ in our marrow, carry us home
From alabaster come blessings of laughter
A fragrance of passion and joy from the truth

Grant the unbroken tears ever flowing
From hearts of contrition only for You
May sin never hold true that love never broke through
For God's mercy holds us and we are His own

This road that we travel, may it be the straight and narrow
God give us peace and grace from You, all the day
Shelter with fire, our voices we raise still higher
God give us peace and grace from You, all the day through

The Creator, a Worthy Confident

The Creator, a Worthy Confidant
Cynthia Heald “Intimacy with God”

God is Righteous – God is Fair

Psalm 9:3-5, 9-10
Psalm 71:14-16
Psalm 103:6-11

Eugene Peterson
We survive in the way of faith not because we have extraordinary stamina but because God is righteous. Christian discipleship is a process of paying more and more attention to God’s righteousness and less and less attention to our own; finding the meaning of our lives not by probing our moods and motives and morals but by believing God’s will and purposes; making a map of the faithfulness of God, not charting the rise and fall of our enthusiasms.

It is not about taking justice in our own hands.
It is not what we think is “right.”

It is about God executing judgment.
It is about what God knows is right.

Isaiah 26:9
With my soul I have desired You in the night, yes, by my spirit within me I will seek You early. For when Your judgments are in the earth, the in habitants of the world will learn righteousness.



God is Trustworthy – God Never Fails

Psalm 22:4-5
Our Fathers trusted in you;
They trusted, and Your delivered them.
They cried to You, and were delivered;
They trusted in You, and were not ashamed.

George Mueller
-Life was marked by unrighteous living
-God saved him at the age of 14, after the death of his mother
-Over his lifetime he took care of over 10,000 orphans.
-He travelled all over the world preaching the gospel.

Be assured, if you walk with Him and look to Him and expect help from Him, He will never fail you. As an older brother who has known the Lord for forty-four years, who writes this, says to you for your encouragement that He has never failed him. In the greatest difficulties, in the heaviest trials, in the deepest poverty and necessities, He has never failed me; but because I was enabled by His grace to trust Him He has always appeared for my help. I delight in speaking well of His name.

Psalm 31:20,23-24
Psalm 40:1-5
Psalm 56:3-4,8-11

Jeremiah 17:7-8
Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, and whose hope is in the Lord. For he shall be like a tree planted by the waters, which spreads out its roots by the river, and will not fear when heat comes; but its leaf will be green and will not be anxious in the year of drought, not will cease from yielding fruit.


God is a Refuge – The Only Place to Find Real Peace and Quiet

Psalm 46
Eugene Peterson – LORD OF HOSTS: a powerful God – IS WITH US - befriends
GOD OF JACOB: a personal God – IS OUR REFUGE – protects
Psalm 61:3-4
Psalm 91 – Familiar to all/good Psalm to memorize
Psalm 142:3-5

What caused the Psalmist to call out to God for a refuge?
-His own enemies
-The earthly catastrophes
-His own strength had failed him

What/who has failed you?
-Cry out to God and He will be the refuge that you need.

Cynthia Heald
It’s important to realize that making God our refuge does not keep us from trouble. Rather, it guarantees us that in any affliction, we will not be alone because the Lord is with us. Psalm 46:1 “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.” …This is intimacy when we need it most.

Amy Carmichael
HIS THOUGHTS SAID: Before me continually is the grief of wounds, confusion, suspense, distress. HIS FATHER SAID: Behold, there is a place by ME, and thou shalt stand upon a rock. Then as a frightened child on a storm-swept mountainside would gratefully take his father’s hand, and stand on the rock in a place by him, fearing no evil – so it was with the son. For he knew that though the earth by removed and the waters be carried into the midst of the sea, that rock by his Father would never be moved.



God is Responsive – God is Listening

-I often tell Jason that there is a difference:
-Hearing: being able to repeat what I’ve just said
-Listening: being able to respond to what I’ve just said

Psalm 34:4,15,17,18-19,22
Psalm 107:6-7
Psalm 116:1-2

God responded:
-He heard
-He listened
-He delivered
-He watched
-He was near
-He guarded
-He redeemed the souls
-He led
-He satisfied

Our condition to see/hear God’s response?
-Seek Him
-Cry out to Him
-Trust in Him

Psalm 88 tells the story of a man who was struggling with God being silent. There will be times when God is silent, but remembering all of His past actions gives us hope that He is still there, even when we can’t feel/see/hear Him respond.

Cynthia Heald
What’s the point in a counselor or friend who listens to you pour out your soul and does not respond? God isn’t like that! We can rejoice in that promise.

Jeremiah 33:3
Call to me and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things which you do not know.

James 4:8
Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.

4/3/09

Lay It Down

Lay It Down....I have :-)



I’ve been looking ‘til my eyes are tired of looking

Listening ‘til my ears are numb from listening

Praying ‘til my knees are sore from kneeling

On the bedroom floor


I know that You know that my heart is aching

I’m running out of tears and my will is breaking

I don’t think that I can carry

The burden of it anymore


All of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans

Are slowly slipping through my folded hands


So I’m gonna lay it down

I’m gonna learn to trust You now

What else can I do

Everything I am depends on You

And if the sun don’t come back up

I know Your love will be enough

I’m gonna let it be, I’m gonna let it go

I’m gonna lay it down


I’ve been walking through this world like I’m barely living

Buried in the doubt of this hole I’ve been digging

But You’re pulling me out and I’m finally breathing

In the open air


This room may be dark but I’m finally seeing

There’s a new ray of hope and now I’m believing

That the past is the past and the future’s beginning to look brighter now


‘Cause all of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans

Are safe and secure when I place them in Your hands


So I’m gonna lay it down

I’m gonna learn to trust You now

What else can I do

Everything I am depends on You

And if the sun don’t come back up

I know Your love will be enough



I’m gonna let it be,

I’m gonna let it go

I’m gonna lay it down



I've let go of "what if..." and of my own hopes and dreams.

They are in the Lord's Hands Now.

4/1/09

A Wednesday...

So I'm sick.

I haven't felt well since last Saturday. I'm not sick enough to just lay in bed, but sick enough to not feel like doing anything. I can get up and move and do the day-to-day...but as for getting out and walking or anything, I just don't have the energy. I don't know if its because I'm really tired (not getting much sleep) or just coming down with a cold or something. I've stayed fairly healthy this past winter. Surprisingly, not being around a bunch of kids will do that for you! Its wierd because usually I get sick, feel bad for a couple of days and then feel better. But this time its like I haven't gotten over it. I don't know....

On another note, I had a simple little answer to prayer. Last week, at the Ladies Bible study I asked the ladies to pray for me and my decision to stay home. I have been feeling a little restless and like I should be working. However, I was torn - 50/50. So...I prayed and the Lord gave me the answer. Our Bible study was on Hannah. And what struck me and stood out to me was that while Hannah had Samuel, she kept him at home and stayed with him. She didn't travel to the temple. And I had such a peace in my heart about staying home with Jack. It was suddenly very clear: stay home with him. This time is short. I know its little and not like a cure for cancer or anything, but God answered my prayer. He calmed my heart and gave me the reassurance I needed. Isn't our God great? He not only cares about the BIG things...but the tiny things like a mother's reassurance that she is down the right path.

Thank You, my God.