2/1/09

Awhile

So, its been a few days. I was on a roll there for awhile...being good about posting my thoughts.

Well....the past few days have been rough. I was sick (VERY!) for a couple of days and then struggling through the depression the past two days. So, I've dealt with a lot.

It is 1:35 AM and I can't sleep. It's not really that things aren't right....b/c for once in quite awhile I feel that they are right.

I love my husband. We got to talk last night until 2 in the morning. It was so good. I got to share things that I had been feeling and thinking for quite awhile. He was able to finally see where I was coming from and we FINALLY connected. It felt so good to connect. We hadn't connected like that in what has seemed like eternity.

Speaking about eternity...I read something about that the other day and when I get the book back from my mom I'll post what the author had to say about eternity.

So, I'm reading an old Max Lucado book. I've read it twice already and it is really good....but it has been awhile since I have read it. One of the chapters talks about "shame" and "guilt." Something that Jason and I talked about last night until 2 AM. I've been feeling a lot of shame and a lot of guilt for things that I'm forgiven for.

Why is it easier for God to forgive me, but me not forgive myself?

I broke down and cried when I read about how Jesus did not condemn the adulterous women or pronounce her guilty.

He forgave....her.

He still forgives....even me.

So, here's a song that I haven't thought of in awhile, but the lyrics have always spoken to me:

EVEN THEN:
by Nichole Nordeman

It's a fear that keeps me wide awake
In the middle of the night
When the expectations are too great
And the bar gets raised too high

So I do the best with what I've got
And hope that no one knows
That I strain to see how high I can
Try to stand on these toes
Until I'm measured, but You know better

So, thank-You, Jesus
Even when You see us just as we are
Fragile and frail and so far
From who we want to be
So, thank-You, Jesus
Even when the pieces are broken and small
Dreams shatter and scatter like the wind
Thank-You, even then

So I put aside the masquerade
And admit that I am not okay
Which may not be the thing to say
But I'm not ashamed to need You more each day

So, thank-You, Jesus
Even when You see us just as we are
Fragile and frail and so far
From who we want to be
So, thank-You, Jesus
Even when the pieces are broken and small
Dreams shatter and scatter like the wind
Thank-You, even then

We raise the standard and try to reach You
But we'll never make it, and we don't need to

We Don't Need To....wow. I do that all the time.
I raise the standard and try to reach it, but I can't! I fail every time!
But I don't need to....He sees me in my weakness and loves me and raises me up to Him!
Thank you, Jesus.