1/8/09

*in his love*

So last night and the past day, depression has tried to move back into my heart. I thought that too much love was in my heart for there to be room for sadness and depression and worry.

I was wrong.

Have you ever cried for no reason? I mean really....no reason. I mean, yes we cry....but then realize that there are reasons behind it.

We are hurt. We miss someone. We are worried about something, or someone.

So, last night I thought I was crying for no reason. But really, there were reasons.
I was worried about blood tests. I was worried about the future (only b/c I couldn't control it).
I was missing my husband. We hadn't seen much of each other - just to be with each other in awhile.

The real reason? God was distant. I know, my fault totally. I haven't been reading scripture or praying like I know I need to. *Notice I didn't say "like I should"*
I need those things in my life. I need those things because they are my lifeline.

So where I am this morning...wait...afternoon?

Well, I haven't read my scripture. I watched a movie instead.

A movie that I would be embarrassed to admit that I watched. It had very inappropriate things in it.

HOWEVER...
in the end she gets with the guy. I know, typical chick-flick. So they all find love in the end. Even the marriage that at the beginning of the movie that was in trouble ends good. I cried at that part...which is weird. It wasn't sad or overly dramatically happy either. But I was glad to know that if their fictional, non-Christian marriage can last...mine can too.

Then I realized that I've been worried about my marriage. Seeing all these newly engaged...dating couples gets me worried. I worry that my marriage is going to end in a passionate irritating relationship (Like the one the old woman at the pool today)

*Side note: This woman at the pool was complaining that she can't go anywhere because her husband has to go with her everywhere. She said that she had been married for over 60 years and he was getting more irritating as they both got older.*

I don't want that! I want my marriage to be filled with passion! Good grief! We've only been married three years.

So, what brought all of this reflecting? Well...a song of course!
I realized finally that Jason's love is there. It isn't perfect. But it is constant. It is safe. But it isn't what I need. I need HIS love:

In Your Love


I am humbled in
Your presence
More desperate than before
I've brushed against
Your mercy
Yet still I'm wanting more
I have felt the hand of comfort
In the softeness of Your touch
I wait
I am holding on to promises
I am counting on the truth
And on these knees
of faltering
I'm calling out to You

In Your love
I find my resting place
In Your love
I find my shetler
When I lay down
All that I've been holding to
The beauty I've found in You
Is sweeter than all I've known
In Your love

I surrender all my failings
Please break these chains of doubt
I bring these simple offerings
Of what I can't work out
When You let these healing waters
Anoint my troubled sould
I wait
I am holding on to promises
I am counting on the truth
And on these knees
of faltering
I'm calling out to You

In Your love
I find my resting place
In Your love
I find my shetler
When I lay down
All that I've been holding to
The beauty I've found in You
Is sweeter than all I've known
In Your love



So does that make the depression suddenly go away? No, I wish. But it numbs the pain and puts me back on the path.

It reminds me that I'm still tied to that dock. The rope that holds me to Him is still strong. I need to let Him pull me back from out in this sea of depression.